When former Safaricom head honcho, Michael Joseph said that “Kenyans have peculiar calling habits,” he wasn’t kidding. A majority of hustlers who use mathrees can write a book fleshed from the phone calls that play out on their way to build the nation. Here are some of the most annoying phone calls that will assault your ears in public transport:
1. Social climbers
These are the types of passengers who get a kick from impressing strangers. She may not know anyone in the 14-seater matatu, but will loudly speak on her phone, telling whoever is on the other side to reserve VIP tickets for a James Ingram concert at the Safaricom indoor arena.
She will let it slip that she wants six tickets at Sh10,000 each.
2. The 4-1-1
A matatu ride from Westlands to town takes 10 minutes, during which time Jane will have called Mary for a yapping session about Mercy’s child.
Then she will call Mercy and tell her that Mary’s child has a condition that’s a result of witchcraft. Then Caren will be told that Mercy and Mary are fighting over a man who impregnated Mary!
3. Wannabe millionaires
“I only put three million in the deal, but I expect seven million before the weekend,” the wannabe millionaire who burns CDs in town will say and continue, “Yes, I loaned Kidero some money buthajafanya mambo… sijui nimpitie?” He will then look around to see whether other passengers have noted the kind of person they have on board.
“Those KRA guys were on his neck and he asked me for 14 million shillings to cool them off,” he will continue after telling the conductor to “punguza sauti ya music!”
4. Third World problems
In a matatu ride from the CBD to Ngong Road, this woman will receive several phone calls and everyone would know of her three-month rent arrears, that her children have been suspended from school and the hubby has eloped with her hairdresser, that the cobbler has lost her prized shoes and that the butcher wanted to sleep with her to write off her two-kilo meat debt.
5. Liar, liar pants on fire
These are the types who lie, even when they don’t have to. She will pick a call and say she is heading to Kikuyu town, yet the matatu is plying the Kawangare route. Her next caller will be lied to that she is going for a funeral in Kisumu, yet everyone knows Kisumu folks only bury on weekends, not Tuesdays.
6. Domestic minds
This man will call his wife and asks, “I thought Kimbokadogo is Sh60? Never buy from Waweru’s kiosk, he is expensive, hata alikataa kunipatia deni ile siku mshahara ilichelewa.”
He will alight at the next stage, his phone still held to his ear, and continue, “Hata nashuka gari nakuja kwa nyumba in two minutes, lakini hio mchele ya Mama Kuisio grade one, sindio?”
7. White caller slaves
These are women who carry their office into a matatu. “Hello, this is Ann from the insurance. I am following up on the education policy that we spoke about last week.” She will rattle off; calling 30 clients by the time she alights.
8. Kondoo wa Mungu
These are pastor types, who upon realising the caller has a problem, will promptly instruct that they kneel down on the other side of the line before launching into a lengthy prayer, banishing demons, cursing false friends, and praying for Jubilee headquarters and the tea bonus!
9. The braggarts
They will let the world know that their last born has been admitted to Mang’u High School and by the time she’s through, everyone will know their first born is at Strathmore University, second born in the US, the third in the UK studying engineering…
10. Madeni gunia kumi
These are the ones who keep ducking madeni, lying they’re in Eldoret chasing payments, and will promptly pay back the money in two days’ time. He will tell another creditor that he’s outside an M-Pesa kiosk, and that the matatu has just left town, heading to Rongai, and it’s raining and the mathree will take like three hours.
Source : SDE